November Rain...and Getting through December.

Get Me Through December by Alison Krauss

"How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again."

God doesn't promise anything more than He'll be there for us when the hard times happen. In a purely rational approach, My mind can say a hearty YES and HALLELUJAH, God and all He entails is always going to be there! Aaaamen...He's always been honest about that.  Let us chant and pray together as incense rises and then proceed sedately home to percolate this wonderful information with good food and good cheer.

 .....then again...

On another, more primal and purely emotional level I'm sitting, duct taping and super glueing myself together wanting to scream "THEN GET HERE ALREADY!"

There are so many times when I'm stuck in a trashcan where life's tossed me and if I hadn't seen sesame street, I wouldn't have been half as comfortable just staying in it.And the thing is, being a Christian, it's against my morals to stay in the trashcan when there are fights to fight for the good and things to help and heal. At times, though, I feel hypocritical, because in my better moments, I can offer advice and listen to people without my personal pain getting in the way. Other times, I can't even say "have a good morning" because I don't believe it can be good. Just because I doubt, doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. In fact, because of my doubt, I've learned to walk away from the yarn ball of life and say "God, I believe you." Even when I don't know what I believe, I know if God's in the mix, something will work out eventually.

I've taken Him up on that promise many times in my life and I will again. My most recent episode that demanded His presence is currently ongoing. I lost someone who took a huge hunk of my heart with him when he moved away.There is no blame to place for this separation, nothing but frustrated, rhetorical questions and a big, big hurt.

I am aware of how I mourn, so I've hidden the cookies and sweets and nibbled on granola bars and slurped water instead of warm and chocolatey sweet drinks and I did well for about a week.

Then...the rain came.

Two days of staunch November rain, constant and seeping, paired with following days of grey and blusteryness. Who am I to stand when winds and waves contend? So I huddled in my big green rain jacket and slugged through puddles, cinching my hood tighter against the cold wind. I descended, consciously, into a darkness that I remember from years ago. I'm not glad to be here and this time, I know where it's coming from. I also know that this does not define me, but at the moment, I can't escape it. My body must go through this very physical process of mourning and I must wait it out and assure my friends that I am alright and that their concern for me is kind but I am well-advised of my position and am reacting accordingly.

I didn't expect to have something like this happen again. But then again, nobody ever expects the tragedy that hits them. I remember one night years ago, two of our three dogs returned late one night, my pup being the one missing. I had not put them up at my regular time and I wasn't scared immediately. It wasn't until my mother returned in the suburban after fifteen or twenty minutes of searching to tell me that Remus (my little cocker spaniel) had been hit and killed on their nightly hike. He was my first dog and I still remember his zest and pep as he would run circles around his laid back, half-brother, Max.I did not go out and get another puppy to replace him. In fact, ironically, God sent me a cat to rescue. From 2006-2011, however, I was dog-less, until God sent me Diesel a black-plab (pitbull/lab) mix with a heart of gold and spirit of snuggly adventure. Remus' scar on my heart is healed and I don't deny that it was a dark time for me through those months of healing.

Grief sharpens our senses, they are raw and achy and for a while, they're all we can feel. We are susceptible to depression, over-eating and other bad habits that once we emerge from their clutches (or if we can't) we realize that that wasn't the way to handle it. But a bowl of mac'n'cheese works wonders on a bruised and breaking heart. (I read about that in Psychology Today! :D )

I have had mac'n'cheese since then, and really good spaghetti and many healthy sandwiches and lots of tea and my immune system is strong...and for the rest "faith can move mountnains...just get me through December..." and I'll be better and wiser for it on the flip side. God hasn't stopped, and neither can I. I can't keep up, but he doesn't expect me to. He Loves me. and right now...that's all I need to know.