Processes and Season's Rains -12
I think it's time to post again. But where to begin?
As a wise hatter once said "Begin at the beginning...and when you come to the end...stop."
Maaayy not find the ending in this one blog addition, but that's life and here goes.
This past semester (I will probably never use "years" to measure time again) has been the most tumultuous one yet. Last semester I called off an engagement, this semester, lost an entire friend group and was ostracized subsequently because of my life choices. November and December I doubt I'll ever truly remember from within the depression that I could not shake. It was horrid and I struggled with identity and meaning and where I was meant to fit in with this new situation (or if I was meant to stay there at all). I fought with doubt, despair and righteous indignation and ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I will never know why things happened as they did.
Now, there were times when all I could do was whisper "Lord," when inside, my spirit was screaming "OH LORD HELP!" and I'm not going to say I enjoyed experiencing the first and second total emotional breakdowns of my entire life in one semester. Nah-uh. I wasn't close to understanding anything. During dark mornings of pondering where and how I was going to find the strength to get up that day, or sitting up with insomnia wondering the psychological, physical and emotional effects of sleep deprivation...I eventually lay down knowing that the day was over, and at 12:00, it began anew.
And on top of that daily Grace reset...I've been given peace and Joy that I've never experienced before.
I am looking back, and glowing at what I see and begin to remember. For I was not truly alone during this time.
God gave me beautiful treasures, I had but to look into the eyes of those who truly saw me and extended their hearts to me and within those gazes I found joy and a reminder that I was made to Love. I learned how and when to be vulnerable, with whom I could be a waterfall of God's love and adoration and whom to let go. When I was aching in my heart, God sent me hugs and snuggles and cookies when I least expected them**. I was floored, daily, by how much God did see me, contrary to my social beliefs. I was seen and loved and He sent me an amazing set of people to affirm that I was indeed worthy of Love (heck, that I'm worthy of sticking around, period).
**Which is in fact a paradox, to expect anything is to feel entitled to it, but to expect the unexpected is, as Mr. Palmer would say, "crazy making"**
This journey would still be on the rocky road to nowhere fast, had He not seen fit to provide me a fellow Adventurer on this path. Our journey threw us together quickly, but the time has been refreshing and rejuvenating and I am astounded daily at what he shows me of God's character. I believe where I was cynical before. I hope when I would have dismissed his promises as only words. He took my disbelief in relationships actually meaning anything as a challenge and has amazed me every day by something occurring naturally in his spirit or by washing me in affirmation and hope. The more he shows me of what a relationship means, romancing each other daily in humble awe and gratefulness...the more I see clearly what God really wants to do.
Because of many changes in my life, I do not believe that good things will last. Important men in my life have vacated their positions and relocated sometimes out of reach, other times out of touch. My inclination is to leave them where they are and receive the arrow wound saying "you're not worthy to stick around, you're too complicated, you make being with you difficult". This has caused me to view God in the same way. "Oh, this won't happen because he's tired" Or "You mucked it up good this time, see if God lets you keep these good things now, you obviously haven't learned your lesson well enough." I thought I was expendable to God, it's what I'd learned and felt from men in my life. But...He gave me my Hero to show me, at last, what He's like. This is not sacrilegious, I believe he uses anything to point us to Himself. I'm re-learning the Amazing God I fell in love with years ago, who's actually in Love with me!! And this all comes clear as I follow the earthly lead of my Partner.
It's not over, but I have been granted time, still, and have been entrusted with many beautiful soul-treasures whom I intend to love as long as they'll let me...and this little blog blurb is not the half of what He's shown me, but He's opened my heart to beauty as it was meant to be seen, through humility and conscious living. Learning to live aware of Life, even through the brokenness, for that is the only way we'll realize when others are hurting. Remembering my own wounds allows me to recognize the feel of those who are suffering from the same things, and how best to love on them. I have grown open to God, from head knowledge to heart understanding and I've been reminded that God is powerful...but ultimately, He is Good
Life is a process...Enjoy the ride.
As a wise hatter once said "Begin at the beginning...and when you come to the end...stop."
Maaayy not find the ending in this one blog addition, but that's life and here goes.
This past semester (I will probably never use "years" to measure time again) has been the most tumultuous one yet. Last semester I called off an engagement, this semester, lost an entire friend group and was ostracized subsequently because of my life choices. November and December I doubt I'll ever truly remember from within the depression that I could not shake. It was horrid and I struggled with identity and meaning and where I was meant to fit in with this new situation (or if I was meant to stay there at all). I fought with doubt, despair and righteous indignation and ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I will never know why things happened as they did.
Now, there were times when all I could do was whisper "Lord," when inside, my spirit was screaming "OH LORD HELP!" and I'm not going to say I enjoyed experiencing the first and second total emotional breakdowns of my entire life in one semester. Nah-uh. I wasn't close to understanding anything. During dark mornings of pondering where and how I was going to find the strength to get up that day, or sitting up with insomnia wondering the psychological, physical and emotional effects of sleep deprivation...I eventually lay down knowing that the day was over, and at 12:00, it began anew.
And on top of that daily Grace reset...I've been given peace and Joy that I've never experienced before.
I am looking back, and glowing at what I see and begin to remember. For I was not truly alone during this time.
God gave me beautiful treasures, I had but to look into the eyes of those who truly saw me and extended their hearts to me and within those gazes I found joy and a reminder that I was made to Love. I learned how and when to be vulnerable, with whom I could be a waterfall of God's love and adoration and whom to let go. When I was aching in my heart, God sent me hugs and snuggles and cookies when I least expected them**. I was floored, daily, by how much God did see me, contrary to my social beliefs. I was seen and loved and He sent me an amazing set of people to affirm that I was indeed worthy of Love (heck, that I'm worthy of sticking around, period).
**Which is in fact a paradox, to expect anything is to feel entitled to it, but to expect the unexpected is, as Mr. Palmer would say, "crazy making"**
This journey would still be on the rocky road to nowhere fast, had He not seen fit to provide me a fellow Adventurer on this path. Our journey threw us together quickly, but the time has been refreshing and rejuvenating and I am astounded daily at what he shows me of God's character. I believe where I was cynical before. I hope when I would have dismissed his promises as only words. He took my disbelief in relationships actually meaning anything as a challenge and has amazed me every day by something occurring naturally in his spirit or by washing me in affirmation and hope. The more he shows me of what a relationship means, romancing each other daily in humble awe and gratefulness...the more I see clearly what God really wants to do.
Because of many changes in my life, I do not believe that good things will last. Important men in my life have vacated their positions and relocated sometimes out of reach, other times out of touch. My inclination is to leave them where they are and receive the arrow wound saying "you're not worthy to stick around, you're too complicated, you make being with you difficult". This has caused me to view God in the same way. "Oh, this won't happen because he's tired" Or "You mucked it up good this time, see if God lets you keep these good things now, you obviously haven't learned your lesson well enough." I thought I was expendable to God, it's what I'd learned and felt from men in my life. But...He gave me my Hero to show me, at last, what He's like. This is not sacrilegious, I believe he uses anything to point us to Himself. I'm re-learning the Amazing God I fell in love with years ago, who's actually in Love with me!! And this all comes clear as I follow the earthly lead of my Partner.
It's not over, but I have been granted time, still, and have been entrusted with many beautiful soul-treasures whom I intend to love as long as they'll let me...and this little blog blurb is not the half of what He's shown me, but He's opened my heart to beauty as it was meant to be seen, through humility and conscious living. Learning to live aware of Life, even through the brokenness, for that is the only way we'll realize when others are hurting. Remembering my own wounds allows me to recognize the feel of those who are suffering from the same things, and how best to love on them. I have grown open to God, from head knowledge to heart understanding and I've been reminded that God is powerful...but ultimately, He is Good
Life is a process...Enjoy the ride.
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