"Arsonist's Lullaby" Inspiration

"Arsonist's Lullaby" - Hozier

When I was a child I heard voices
some would sing and some would scream
You'll soon find you have few choices
I learned the voices died with me.

When I was a child, I'd sit for hours
staring into open flames
Something in it had a power
Could barely tear my eyes away.

All you have is your fire
and the place you need to reach
don't you ever, tame your demons
but always keep them on a leash

When I was 16 my senses fooled me
Thought gasoline was on my clothes
I knew that something would always rule me
I knew this scent was mine alone

All you have is your fire
and the places you need to reach
don't you ever tame your demons
but always keep them on a leash

When I was a man, I thought it ended
When I knew love's perfect ache
But my peace has always depended
on all the ashes in my wake

All you have is your fire
and the place you need to reach
don't you ever tame your demons
but always keep them on a leash

Have you ever been rebounded on? It's an interesting sensation. You essentially become a temporary springboard for another person to launch themselves out of their despondency, long enough to get their energy together, to run away.

It's a selfish, cowardly, weak process - seeking out someone who was probably unaware of their situation, choosing that person and then pouring all the run-off, excess energy and emotions that their Ex is no longer accepting, getting scared or feeling vulnerable and leaving the person and situation. I had to confront many things, during their pursuit, (because yes, it's happened twice this year) and subsequent acquisition and prompt ghosting...many things within myself, and in others that were harsh, hurtful and above all, wounding.

In essence, my demons got stoked, for a few months there. I am a fierce, loyal person, and when I am used, it makes me angry as few things do. I know my worth, I know how hard I've worked to become who I am, all that I have survived, and these cretins want to use me to make themselves feel better...and the thing is, they got away with it because I thought they "Cared" about me. They said the things, they were present, they were giving of their time and attention....and the bottom line i realized is, I fall so easily for those who haven't hurt me yet.

I listened to many songs during this time, many, many genres I went through, and this song rose out of them.

Meet my demon. Its name is Cathexis.

Cathexis: The concentration of mental energy on one particular person, idea or object (especially to an unhealthy degree)

Because I am an introvert, first and foremost, I can be introduced to a concept, a person or a situation and with almost unerring focus can drill down to understand everything about it. I can become well-versed in anything, be it human, mineral, animal etc, in short order when my curiosity is piqued and positive energy and experiences are allowed. 

…but this is where things can also go horribly wrong. 

When problems happen, when disharmony occurs, when conversations and big life decisions are broken, I will find it difficult for my brain to stop coming back around to the cause of it. Like the picture shows Cathexis with large, fire blackened, articulate fingers, but comprised of nothing but bone and fire…I pick through smoldering evidence files, pick conversations, pick moments, pick situations apart, trying to find help, clarification, or answers in already exhausted information. And the result of this concentration and fixation only drives me to a very dark place. The horns on Cathexis are well worn from wracking my brain and consequently running into walls that have no way over, or around, or under them. There is no data to analyze…My aching need for closure and understanding “why” something happened, soon atrophies with no sustenance…I understand that I will never make progress on my own.

 I have often lasted many years, staving off personal issues that will never have closure. I have come to understand that I will never have the ability to close those chapters because the people are still alive somewhere in this world…and not aware of this pain. But, in the end, when I'm broken and on my own, those issues rise up, my demon returns and I have to do battle again. Sometimes I lose the fight; it's then when I have breakdowns or debilitating panic attacks. Sometimes I win, and can make sense of things or achieve closure within my own mind and move on. 

There are things that no one will understand completely about you, or your life. Allowing people in who have no desire or reason to care about you beyond getting their own needs fulfilled is one of the openings for Chaos to enter as well. You know the few. Learn what they sound like. Learn the patterns, and then guard your energy, loves. It sounds mean, but you must learn how to defend yourself…protect your space and where you find sanctuary and allow only good things in. I'm still learning, I'm still growing, and I’m still fighting. Whatever your demons are, I wish you strength and the ability to see and understand what you need to learn from the processes. 

We’re not through, loves. Keep going.