"Music To My Eyes" - Blog Hop Challenge

"...Aaaaand. Here. We. Go." - Joker


The setup. I headed to Blackbird Bakery  a few weekends ago, for the first time in a long time, by myself. I grabbed an iced coffee and a cake pop, found a table away from the majority of the noise and began unpacking my backpack. This was one of the first artistic challenges I'd been given that I had needed a few weeks beforehand to sit down and actually plan out how I was going to do it...mainly because the theme was "Your Favorite Song."

What. The. Heck. 

If you know me, you know music is kind of my jam and jelly and preserves. I have a genre for every season of my life and each of those genres are further subdivided into emotional states. Thus, narrowing it down to one song was a challenge in and of itself. But, since January, I have had a song that I've played on repeat, quite often, and each time, it's always showed something new about myself, the situation I'm playing it for, or the memories that i'm trying to get rid of while still feeling them and the people that are in them, in their entirety. That song is "Somebody to Die For" by Hurts from their album: Exile. Give it a listen - lyrics provided. (General summary and analysis to follow).


I could drag you from the ocean
I could pull you from the fire
And when you're standing in the shadows 
I could open up the sky
 and I could give you my devotion 
until the end of time
and you will never be forgotten 
with me by your side

and I don't need this life
I just need somebody to die for

I've got nothing left to live for
got no reason yet to die
but when I'm standing at the gallows
I'll be staring at the sky
because no matter where they take me
in death I will survive 
and I will never be forgotten 
with you by my side

I don't need this life
I just need somebody to die for
Somebody to cry for, 
when I'm lonely.

When I'm standing in the fire
I will look him in the eye
and I will let the devil know
 that I was brave enough to die
and there's no hell that he can show me
that's deeper than my pride
Caz I will never be forgotten, 
forever I'll fight.

I don't need this life
I just need somebody to die for
(I don't need, I don't need)
Somebody to cry for
when I'm lonely.

Don't go gentle into that good night
rage on against the dying light.



Okay, imagine that each verse is a descending circle, linking with the next and all three deal with a person's search for the reason to exist. In the first verse, we hear the speaker telling the recipient everything they could do for them, but we do not hear what the speaker can do for themselves... it's promising everything within the speaker to the "love", a guarantee if the recipient would stay. 

In the second verse, we feel a slight transition to the speaker drawing back, addressing their own surroundings, delving into what makes them themselves, gradually discovering it's the fight that defines them. It's kind of a resignation, when the end of the last day has come, they're hoping they're not forgotten, that somebody will remember them when they're gone. 

We descend further to the third verse, the third circle, wherein the speaker is face to face with their own self. "When I'm standing in the fire, I will look him in the eye" ..."wrestling the Demons" as it were...and realizing that Self, is our own worst enemy. We, and the speaker, come to grips with this resolution as we hear "Forever I'll fight" and to accompany that decision to survive, the music swells and spirals back up, showing in the instrumental bridge that we are climbing back out of the "hell" of our own self to arrive at the final, quiet, admonition, "Don't go gentle into that good night, rage on against the dying light", which is an allusion to a poem linked here, also dealing with the similar themes of death and struggle and what surrender might look like at the end of it all. https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night 

 In the song, the listener ends on the last couplet, and feel the resolution of a soul, to carry on, to persevere, to survive; remembering that the origin of their loneliness, their pain and their struggle, ultimately comes from their third, innermost circle. 
Personal Application:

 It's atmospheric, it's both calming and engaging and it doesn't leave the speaker powerless...the second verse is what gets me, most often, because it's where I am. "Got nothing left to live for, got no reason yet to die..."  The past six months have been one of the most deadly-leaning, depression seasons to date, even with a little help from antidepressants. Relationships, both platonic and romantic, have drained me of my everything. I am a deeply relational being and seek to have Harmony and mutuality in relationships, and that process has been pretty freaking jacked up for a while now. As foghorn leghorn would say "Boy, now, I say, boy, you're about to exceed the limits of my medication." Only a few select people in my life know to what extent I've struggled with suicidal thoughts the past few months; the most simple of them is "I have Haven (my home) and she's taken care of, everything's covered and I'm kind of worth more dead than alive at this point, and if I died, I could die content that I saw this dream actually happen and my loved ones would be secure." 

 How insidious these thoughts were. I shudder now to think of how I felt such a peace when I thought about quitting this existence, getting to see God and leaving all these heartbreaking months behind. Losing loves, losing friends, losing a family member...nothing was expected, nothing I could have prepared for, but I still had to redeem the shattered pieces of my heart each time. "I don't need this life...I just need, somebody to die for." It took meditating long and hard on this song, on what God had led me through and my own worth in his eyes to realize that, He was worth living for, and therefore, I was worth living for. I'd tried to make my worth hinged on the ability of others to love me, when in reality, I just needed God to step in and say "I'm enough for you, focus on me, and let go." and it took a good few intensive weeks to do so, but I have... 
At the end of all these thoughts came this picture. I'll unpack the symbolism as I go. 



I tried to get the diamond as close to even as possible (straight lines and myself are no simpatico). I chose the diamond shape because there is an end and a beginning, no matter what the middle points look like, and diamonds are the hardest gemstone. Life will continue whether or not it's crushing you or you're riding high. I used my left hand to symbolize the weaker side of life, the loss of an engagement, relationships, and the arm that would get the most self harm since I am right handed.  I chose the rose to symbolize all that I care for in this life, because to me, Roses have come to symbolize hope, transience and fierce beauty. You can't pick one without pain, but they are some of the most lovely creations in this world. They are often fragrant, their colors and shapes are complex and multidimensional, their petals are soft and gentle and some rarely last more than a day, but they shine when they are alive. 





Before anyone gets onto me for using the rainbow motif, the colors I chose represent the entire spectrum of life, from birth to the end, as well as the part of the song - 

"When I'm standing in the fire

I will look him in the eye

And I will let the devil know that

I was brave enough to die"

From the bottom to the top, it symbolizes upward, stabilizing growth... Red for chaos, orange for energy, yellow for hope, green for life and growth, blue for serenity, purple for spirituality, and deep gray/black for the culmination of existence. Life is begun in chaos, and eventually, ideally, ends with acceptance and respect for a life of growth, experience and hopefully, honor. My palm is cradling the fragile head of the rose, while the stem is plunged between the bones of the forearm -  symbolizing the sacrifice that grows strength and beauty as well as engenders unimaginable pain. 




I was torn when trying to decide what color to make my forearm and hand, but realized that, whenever I get into a relationship, I bring the entirety of my existence to bear in it...to grow, strengthen and nurture the hearts that choose to do this life with me. Any artist knows, when you combine all the colors in the spectrum, you get grey. Thus, my choice was simple. Everything I am, everything I hope for, I hold in an open palm, hoping that they are not intimidated by what I bring to the table. I chose to color the rose from dark to light, expressing how, though I feel like my outside is cold and useless, there exists a tiny, fragile hope in my deepest innermost being, that someday, someone might be worth it...and find life with me worthwhile. Also turning back to the third circle, finding the hope within my relationship with my Heavenly Father, that things will turn out okay, just have to keep holding on to Him and his Lead.



And thus, we have the end result. I used my sharpies to blend the edges of the diamond and strengthen the boundaries since I was unable to use masking tape to edge it in as I usually do. This took me about 3 hours, from sketch to finish. 

I am not done with this song, I'm not done with these struggles, but every day is a chance to lock jaws with them and wrestle them to the mat, get up, clean off, and try again the next day. I love the ferocity that life brings, and I love what i'm learning about myself and my God as I enter, or am plunged, into each struggle. Loves, life is difficult. Period. People are heartbreaking, and we may never understand some of the things that have happened to us in our lifetimes, but God is hope, and hope is a real thing, and... life is beautiful... even in the pain, life is worthwhile - don't forget it. I won't.

I'm not the only artist in this blog hop, check out the blogs linked below to see others' takes on this challenge:
Lennis Carrier: windbent.net 
Melissa Trudinger: beadrecipes.wordpress.com 
Sherri Hartman Stokey: knotjustmacrame.com 
Vicki Sophon

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